


Something For the Pain

by Ionaonie



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Consent Issues, Derek's Past Consent Issues, M/M, Nogitsune Trauma, Panic Attacks, Past Braeden/Derek Hale, Past Stiles Stilinski/Malia Tate, Post Season 4, Pre-Relationship, Traumatized Derek, Traumatized Stiles, brief mention of past Derek Hale/Kate Argent, but not between Derek and Stiles
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-12
Updated: 2015-07-25
Packaged: 2018-03-22 13:01:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3729883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ionaonie/pseuds/Ionaonie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stiles is hanging onto his sanity by the skin of his teeth after, well, everything. </p><p>He isn't the only one, though. </p><p>Maybe he and Derek could end up helping each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to Arineat for the beta and catching my typos. Any remaining mistakes are mine. I claim them (especially the one that was in the summary *facepalm*). 
> 
> The title comes from the Bon Jovi song of the same name.
> 
> If you think I'm missing any tags, let me know.

The sound of footsteps grew louder and louder, and Stiles tried to get up, he really did, but he just couldn’t seem to get his limbs to obey. The asphalt was cold against his hands and he’d been outside the Jungle, back pressed against the wall, long enough for the drizzle to make his clothes damp and uncomfortable. He couldn’t get enough air into his lungs and his skin felt all wrong where the girl had touched him. 

He’d done so well at ignoring everything, but now his body was refusing to co-operate and he was going to die in a grimy back alley, having a panic attack. If he could have gotten air into his lungs, he’d have laughed at the irony. 

The killing blow didn’t come, though, and when he opened his eyes Derek was crouched down in front of him, looking concerned. 

Stiles blinked in surprise, unsure if Derek was real or a hallucination. The last time he’d seen him had been nearly two weeks before, when they both happened to be late night shopping, Stiles unable to sleep. Derek had waved at him, but they hadn’t spoken. Before that, it had been clearing out the harpies that had tried to take up residence in Beacon Hills just over a month ago. But there was a heat coming off Derek that didn’t exist in his hallucinations, so he was probably there. 

Unable to talk, he waved weakly. 

‘Stiles, you need to calm down.’

Stiles nearly snorted. No shit. 

‘Listen to my voice and breathe with me.’

Stiles nodded and closed his eyes, listening to Derek telling him to breathe in and out. He had no idea how long they stayed there, but eventually the knot in his chest started to unravel and it became easier to breathe. ‘I’m okay now.’ 

When he opened his eyes Derek was still there, skepticism on his face. ‘Do you want to tell me what happened?’ 

‘Panic attack.’ Derek didn’t say anything and Stiles glanced away, staring at the boxes stacked up by the door. ‘It was stupid,’ he mumbled. ‘Doesn’t matter.’ 

‘Whatever it is, it does matter and it’s not stupid,’ Derek said seriously. ‘But if you don’t want to tell me, you don’t have to.’ 

Stiles wanted to tell him, he just didn’t know how, so used to shoving all his issues into a corner of his mind, desperate to act like there was nothing wrong. After six months, he had no idea how to talk about all the things his brain brought out to play in his nightmares. 

‘Do you want to get out of here?’ Derek asked. 

Stiles nodded. ‘But I don’t want to go home.’ The idea of seeing his dad when he was in this state made his stomach cramp. ‘And I don’t want to see Scott or anyone else.’ Any time he struggled to explain what was going on in his head, Scott and the others never listened, and he’d learnt to never mention it. Instead, he plastered on a smile, kept throwing out sarcastic one-liners and pretended that his biggest concerns were lacrosse and homework. 

Derek nodded. ‘Any preference where we go?’ 

Stiles shook his head before struggling to his feet. ‘I don’t care.’ Leaning against the wall, he pulled down his t-shirt and took a couple of deep breaths. Derek watched him, alert, but Stiles was grateful that he didn’t try to help. ‘Let’s go,’ he said, when his legs stopped feeling too shaky to walk. 

At the car, Derek opened the passenger door and waited patiently for Stiles to clamber in. As he waited for Derek to walk around to the driver’s side, Stiles held out his hands in front of him and watched them shake before curling them into fists and shoving them between his knees.

Derek didn’t say anything as he started his car, and Stiles didn’t ask any questions as they headed out. 

‘I still can’t believe you traded in the Camaro,’ he said, his throat sounding scratchy, as they headed out of town. 

‘Seemed like a good idea at the time.’

‘How? That was a sweet ride.’

‘There wasn’t a lot of room in the back.’ 

Stiles was about to ask why that mattered when it hit him right in the solar plexus and for a second he couldn’t breath. ‘Oh.’ It had been for Erica, Boyd and Isaac and now none of them were here. Unsure what to say, Stiles ended up dozing lightly, his head resting on the window, until he felt the car stop and the engine turn off. 

Opening his eyes, he saw Beacon Hills spread out before them and realised that Derek had driven them up to one of the more out of the way bluffs overlooking the town. ‘It’s been ages since I’ve been up here.’ Getting out the car, he went and stood on the rocks by the end of the bluff. ‘It doesn’t look so suffocating from up here,’ he muttered.

Derek came and stood next to him. He was carrying a Henley and when he saw Stiles looking, he held out his hand. ‘It’s cooler up here.’ 

There were goosebumps on his arms, so Stiles wasted no time grabbing the Henley and pulling it over his head. ‘Thanks.’ 

Derek shrugged and it was only then that Stiles realised that he’d also brought a blanket from the car. He watched as Derek shook it out and laid it out on the rocks. 

When Derek sat, Stiles stared down at him for a few moments before realising that he should probably sit, too. 

‘You don’t have to tell me anything,’ Derek said, looking out across the town, ‘But if you want to, I’ll listen without judgment.’

In all honesty, Stiles didn’t think he’d talk. He’d gotten so used to pretending that he wasn’t fracturing apart on the inside that he thought just the fact that Derek had noticed something was wrong would be enough. 

‘The first time I had sex was in the basement of Eichen House,’ Stiles found himself saying. ‘Just before the Nogitsune completely took control. Did you know that?’ 

Derek shook his head. ‘No. I didn’t.’ 

‘It was with Malia. Although you probably guessed that. When I told Scott he punched me on the arm and told me that was awesome.’ He frowned. ‘But I haven’t felt right since then.’ He ran his fingers over the blanket. ‘Where did you get this?’ 

‘Nana, my mother’s mom, made it about fifty years ago. I found it in the vault.’ 

‘That’s pretty awesome,’ Stiles said, tracing the lines. 

‘Yeah, it is,’ Derek agreed softly. 

‘I always thought my first time would be kind of awesome, you know? Or that it would make me, you know, want to do it again.’ He shuddered. ‘But it really didn’t.’ 

‘Do you want to talk about it?’ Derek asked carefully. 

Stiles pulled the sleeves of Derek’s Henley down over his hands and wrapped his arms across his stomach. ‘I hadn’t slept for I don’t even know how many days,’ he started, staring down at the hospital. ‘I was kinda drugged to the gills and sometimes I felt totally fine, but others it was like I was in a hyper-realistic dream. And that’s what I thought it was until I woke on the sofa with her. She didn’t know what she was doing. The whole having been a coyote for eight years kinda bypassed informed consent, you know?’ 

‘So you thought the whole thing was a dream?’

‘Kind of. It’s hard to say. My memories from around then are… hazy at best. But I always thought my first time would be with someone I knew, someone I cared for. Lydia, for the longest time and then there was nearly a thing with Heather, but I dunno if I’d have even gone through with that. I never thought it would be in the basement of a creepy mental hospital with a girl I hardly knew and who had punched me in the face earlier that day.’ 

‘You aren’t defined by your first time, Stiles.’

‘I know. But it’s not just that. It’s… it’s everything else.’

Derek made a questioning noise in the back of his throat. 

‘It… it kept happening after we got back from Mexico. I didn’t try to stop it. Because it was supposed to be what I wanted, yeah? A hot girl kept wanting to be all up on this and why wouldn’t I want that? But after every time I felt dirty and hollow and everyone acted like I should be happy that she wanted me. I showed Scott the scratches she me gave me one time and he was all impressed and shit and I wondered if I was wrong for not liking it.’

‘Never let anyone else tell you how you should feel about sex,’ Derek interrupted, voice firm. 

Hearing that, something in Stiles’ chest loosened and the words seem to flow better after that. ‘And, dude, as terrified as I was about what she might do to me if I said no - she growled at me sometimes and swear to god I thought she was actually going to rip out my throat - but I was totally taking advantage and I didn’t stop it because I didn’t want to be seen as the freak who didn’t know a good thing when he got it.’

‘How were you taking advantage of her?’ Stiles didn’t think for a moment that Derek didn’t know exactly how Stiles had been taking advantage, but he appreciated Derek giving him the opportunity to voice all the thoughts that had been swirling around his head for several weeks. 

‘Like, I wanted to help her after wrecking her life, you know?’

Derek nodded.

‘After Scott and I forced her out of a life she was happy with. Teach her how to human and all that jazz. And I know that as a coyote she was all grown up, but I also know that the way coyotes relate to each other and the way humans relate to each other are so very different.’

Which, really, was supposed to have been a huge part of what he’d wanted to teach Malia, and he’d failed spectacularly. 

‘I worried that she’d think that me helping her meant something more than it did, but I didn’t talk to her about it and it turns out I was right. It was like she thought that because I was helping her that somehow that meant we were together. And I didn’t stop it. Mostly because she kind of terrified me on a regular basis, but also because it made me feel something, too.’

Derek made a sympathetic noise, but otherwise didn’t say anything and Stiles kept on going, not holding anything back. 

‘For the first time since the Nogitsune left me, there was a feeling there instead of just emptiness. It wasn’t anything good, though. I just hated myself for what I was doing to Malia and for lying to myself and everyone around me.’ There was a taste of bile on the back of his throat. ‘And then, when she found out that I lied to her about Peter, and suddenly didn’t want anything to do with me, I was so fucking relieved. I shouldn’t have been relieved, should I?’ Not wanting an answer, he waved his hand at Derek. ‘Don’t answer that. Sometimes I could almost convince myself that it was what I wanted - and my dad was so happy, so delighted that I’d gotten a girlfriend and I didn’t want to disappoint him.’

‘Stiles, you wouldn’t -’

‘Stop,’ Stiles snapped, clenching his fist. ‘You didn’t hear him that night at the Jungle when he told me I wasn’t dressed like I was gay. I’d never even thought that it would bother dad if I was bi, but the way he said it, it was like he’d never even entertained the possibility that I might be anything other than straight. And I just. I couldn’t disappoint him. It was the first time his kid was halfway normal. I’ve always been weird and Dad’s always had to deal with it. There’s a reason he likes Scott more than me.’

Derek shot him a look of pure confusion. ‘Why do you think he likes Scott more than you?’ 

‘Because he does. Because he doesn’t believe anything I tell him unless Scott agrees with me. I’ve seen the looks he gives Scott when they think I’m not looking, but I always see them. And I get it. I’ve always been creative with the truth. I just didn’t want to disappoint him, but then I started lying even more because, shit, the idea of anything bad happening to him because of me terrifies me and he just...’ Stiles trailed off, unable to complete his thought. All the ways that he’d disappointed his dad flashed through his mind, and his chest started to feel tight again. 

‘Stiles, look at me,’ Derek said. 

Half afraid that Derek was going to tell him that he was wrong about his dad, Stiles lifted his eyes to meet Derek’s and Derek nodded. 

‘Just breath in and out and keep looking at me.’

The relief that Derek wasn’t going to dismiss how he felt was instantaneous and when he felt more in control, Stiles dropped his eyes and gave himself a shake. ‘I’m a mess.’

‘Join the club.’ 

‘Please,’ Stiles scoffed. ‘Aren’t you master of zen now that you can fully shift?’ 

In the moonlight, Stiles saw Derek’s mouth twist bitterly. ‘Not really.’ 

‘Oh. Well, then it’s just a club of two. Scott and Kira are super, thanks for asking. And since Scott is fine, he’s determined that that means everyone else is fine. And I really think they are. Lydia is learning loads about banshees and loving it. She spends loads of time with her mom, dating Parrish or hanging out with Danny. And Liam and Mason spend a lot of time with Scott and Kira. I’ve tried to talk to Scott about this and when that didn’t work, I tried Kira and then Lydia.’ He pulled his legs up and wrapped his arms around them, dropping his forehead onto his knees. ‘I really miss Allison.’

‘I know.’ 

‘Shouldn’t I be more fucked up about Allison? Not how I ended up having sex for the first time?’

‘I think,’ Derek said slowly, ‘that both are traumatic experiences and either one of them would fuck you up.’

‘Yeah, but -’

‘You said it was like a really vivid dream?’ 

Stiles nodded. 

‘Maybe not dissimilar to how it felt watching the Nogitsune use your body?’ 

Stiles felt like he’d been punched in the solar plexus multiple times. ‘Oh.’ 

‘So, it’s like your brain is trying to protect you by having you work through the easiest to understand first. It just has really shitty material.’ 

Stiles snorted. ‘The shittiest.’ 

‘You know, I know a little bit about terrible first times,’ Derek said eventually. 

Stiles turned his face towards Derek. ‘Kate,’ he said softly, surprised that Derek was talking about it. Stiles might have known, but they’d never talked about it at any length. 

Derek nodded. ‘But Kate. Our first time, it was the night before the fire. Before that we’d fooled around a lot, but we didn’t have sex until that night and it was amazing. I was on cloud nine. And then my family died and I realised that she’d given me that night as one final fuck you. After that it took months for me to not want to throw up if someone other than Laura touched me and a full three years for me to have sex again. But even then I hated it.’ 

Stiles didn’t ask about what happened with Jennifer. He’d pieced it all together when Derek and Cora had left, worked out how Derek had been used, and he had no desire to bring that up for Derek again. 

One day he was going to ask about Paige, but not today. Not when they were already dredging up the depths of their nightmares. And especially not when Stiles was doubting the veracity of Peter’s story. After they’d gotten Derek back from Kate and Stiles had realised that Derek had both known and trusted her, he’d done some math and realised that if Derek had known Kate, then it had to be a Derek from post-Paige. But Derek hadn’t had blue eyes, meaning either the magic had messed up his eyes or Paige had never happened to Derek. And seeing as Derek hadn’t exactly seemed like the love of his life had just died, he was going with no Paige. 

Stiles dropped his legs back onto the blanket, resting his elbows on his knees. ‘What about Braeden? That was okay, wasn’t it?’ 

Derek huffed bitterly. ‘First time I had sex with Braeden it was to stop her asking questions I didn’t want to answer. After that -’ He shrugged ‘- I knew what I was doing and so did she. There wasn’t any emotion there. It was mutually beneficial.’ 

‘Huh?’

‘She needed to stay close to me because she was being paid to by various people and that made it easier for her and I needed someone around to watch my back while I was vulnerable.’

‘She’d have sold you out if she’d been offered enough money,’ Stiles scoffed. 

‘Of course she would have,’ Derek agreed. ‘But someone would have needed a hell of a lot of money to beat what she got.’ 

‘How much did she get? Like, how many people were paying her?’ 

‘I dunno how much she got, but she got paid by Deucalion, Peter and me.’

Stiles whistled, because, _damn_. ‘So basically playing Kevin Costner to your Whitney Houston has her set for life.’ 

‘It’s the least fucked up relationship I’ve ever had.’

‘Dude, that’s…’ 

‘Fucked up?’ Derek supplied, mouth twitching knowingly.

‘Yeah.’ Stiles rubbed a hand through his hair. ‘Why are you telling me all this? This is...’ He trailed off helplessly. 

Derek rubbed a hand over his face and sighed. ‘Because I did what you’re doing now for years. I repressed. I punished myself. The more I repressed and punished myself, the worse I got. Culminating in a truly terrible series of decisions I made as alpha. You think I’m all zen, that I’ve dealt with my shit, but I really haven’t.’ 

‘It looks like you have,’ Stiles said, unable to keep the bitterness out of his voice. 

‘I -’ Derek tilted his head and looked up at the stars for a moment before he turned and looked at Stiles. ‘After Mexico - the second time - I started seeing a therapist.’

Surprise shot through Stiles and he felt his mouth drop open. ‘You did?’ 

Derek nodded. ‘One that knows about the supernatural.’ By his side, Stiles saw Derek clench his fist a couple of times. ‘It was something that Laura tried to push me into a lot, but I was never ready. Then suddenly I was.’ 

‘Yeah?’ 

Derek nodded. He stared out into the night and Stiles stayed quiet, content to wait until Derek wanted to talk. ‘I scared myself.’

‘How?’ 

‘You said I was zen and I kind of was. After what happened with Gerard, the way Scott...’ Derek shook his head. 

Stiles shifted minutely closer to Derek. ‘I never understood why you were happy to have my help that summer, but didn’t want Scott there, or even for him to know, until Scott let it slip one day what he did.’ He fiddled nervously with the sleeves. ‘I don’t think I ever told you how angry I was that he did that. I didn’t know how to bring it up.’

‘After that, I stopped caring about me.’ Even in the quiet of the night, Derek’s voice was so low that Stiles had to strain to hear it. ‘I stopped being angry because what was the point? Mac, my therapist, she called it -’

‘Dissociation,’ Stiles interrupted. 

Derek rolled his eyes and the familiarity of it made Stiles feel warm. ‘Of course you would know that.’

‘So, uh, what changed?’ 

‘Talking to my mom. That settled me, gave me purpose. And then Kate again, well, somehow, through the torture -’

‘She tortured you?’ Stiles asked, voice small. Somehow, with everything that had happened after, Stiles had never gotten around to finding out what Kate did with those two months she had Derek and then Derek had seemed so put together, especially in comparison to Stiles, that he’d let it slide. 

Derek shrugged like it didn’t bother him and the idea that Derek had been tortured so often that it was something he could be casual about, made Stiles want to cry. 

‘She needed to weaken me virtually to the point of death for the spell to work. But through the torture I kind of came to terms with everything that had happened to my family.’ He didn’t add _and how it was my fault and I deserved every shitty thing that happened to me after_ but it was implied. ‘When I heard you say to Liam about the sun, the moon and the truth, it was like something slotted into place in my head. But it wasn’t the good kind of zen. It was the I-don’t-give-a-fuck-about-myself-and-I’m-okay-with-that kind of zen.’

‘And that scared you?’ 

‘Yeah.’ 

‘When did you realise?’ 

‘Not until I was in the car with Braeden on the way back to Beacon Hills. I talked to Satomi as soon as I got back and she recommended someone she trusted.’ He shrugged. ‘So I thought, fuck it, what’s the worst that can happen?’ 

‘And that’s why you haven’t been around much for the last six months, unless there’s a big supernatural bad to put down?’ 

Derek nodded. 

‘I missed you.’ The words were out of his mouth before he could stop them. With a groan he buried his flaming hot face in his hands. ‘Sorry. Sleep deprivation makes me say the wacky.’ 

‘Hey, no. Don’t - I missed you too.’ 

Stiles stared at Derek. ‘You did?’ The night was turning out very different to how Stiles had imagined when he’d left the house. 

‘Yeah.’

‘They why did you stay away? Why do we only see you when there’s bad shit going down?’

‘I’m not staying away from you.’ 

‘Then -’

‘Do you want to tell me what happened at the club?’ Derek interrupted. 

Stiles eyes narrowed at him thoughtfully. Because after everything he’d already told Derek, yeah, he wanted to, but he was going to get something out of it (well, something more than no longer feeling like he was losing his mind. Again). ‘I tell you this, you tell me why you’re never around.’

After a moment, Derek nodded jerkily. 

‘Okay then.’ He turned to face Derek. ‘It’s not a particularly interesting story. We may have broken up, but Malia’s been, I dunno, frightening off anyone else who might be interested it me. And since she’s friends with my friends and my dad, everyone thinks I’m crazy for not getting back with her. So… I just, I wanted time to myself with people who had no expectations of me.’ He shook his head ruefully. ‘I thought I might be able to hook up with someone and get rid of all this crap in my head. Which was stupid, I know. But it was okay at first. At least until hands started touching me where I didn’t want them and I freaked out, managed to get outside and, well, you know the rest.’

‘I do.’ 

‘Told you it wasn’t all that interesting.’ 

‘I think you and I have different definitions of interesting.’ 

Stiles hummed before waving his hand in Derek’s direction. ‘Now it’s your turn. Why are you staying away from us?’

‘Scott.’ 

‘Huh?’

‘Scott. I’m staying away from Scott. Not you.’ 

‘O-kay. Do I get more than that?’ 

‘Being by myself in Beacon Hills after Laura died, left me… untethered, my wolf looking for a connection. Any connection.’ 

‘And along came Scott, a newly turned wolf without a pack.’ 

Derek nodded. ‘And that didn’t go so well.’

Stiles couldn’t help it, he laughed, but there wasn’t much humour in it. ‘Yeah, that’s one way of putting it.’ 

‘I know Scott doesn’t hate me anymore -’

‘Not to sound callous, dude, but I don’t think Scott really cares enough about you one way or the other to hate you.’ 

‘Yeah,’ Derek agreed. ‘He’ll listen to me or seek me out when he wants to know something, and that’s good. It’s more than I expected. But even though _I_ know that there aren’t any pack ties between me and Scott, my wolf still remembers a time when I wanted there to be.’

‘It messed with your head.’ He thought back over everything Derek had done for them over the years. ‘It makes you act like pack is in danger and put yourself in its way. You’d sacrifice yourself for Scott because of some messed up connections your wolf made back when you were a mess of anger and feels.’ 

‘Pretty much.’

‘But you still turn up when we need help.’

‘I’m not thinking about Scott in those moments.’ 

‘Huh. Okay. So, because you’re thinking about protecting the town it supersedes your wolf’s pack feels for Scott.’

Derek was silent for a minute. ‘Close enough.’

‘And so you can’t spend time with us until all the wires reconnect right.’ Stiles slumped forward. ‘Well, that sucks.’ 

‘But Mac, that’s my therapist, she’s been saying that I’m too isolated.’ 

‘Dude, you’ve been too isolated for years,’ Stiles pointed out, wondering why Derek was telling him. 

‘Apparently biweekly calls over Skype with Cora doesn’t count,’ he grumbled. 

‘Hell no, Skype doesn’t count.’

‘So I keep being told. So Mac. She said I should spend some time with someone, someone I trust and won’t want to get away from.’

Stiles’ chest felt tight, but for the first time in forever it was in a good way. ‘And?’ 

‘And I trust you,’ Derek huffed, Stiles surprised at how easily Derek admitted that.

‘You do?’ He was probably the only person still in Beacon Hills who did. ‘Even after I accused you of killing your sister, called you a sourwolf, left you for dead when Kate was torturing you, didn’t realise what Scott was planning to do to you, didn’t immediately tell you about Gerard having Erica and Boyd, blamed you for Ms Blake hurting my dad, hurt you when I was the nogitsune and didn’t realise you were gone for ages?’ 

‘You’ve also saved my life countless times, you tried to save Erica and Boyd from Gerard, you stood with me when Boyd was killed, you trusted me after Jennifer took your dad, you protected my sister when she was vulnerable, came for me when Kate took me to Mexico and nearly refused to leave my side when you thought I was dying.’ 

‘Oh.’ Not quite sure how to react, he stared out into the dark. ‘What would I have to do?’

‘Nothing all that taxing,’ Derek said, sounding faintly amused. ‘Just exist in the same space as me for a while.’ 

Stiles nodded. ‘I could do that.’ Somehow Stiles thought that being around Derek wouldn’t be that difficult. 

‘It might help you, too.’ When Stiles’ head snapped round to stare at Derek, Derek was already watching him calmly. ‘Just because I haven’t been around much, don’t think I haven’t noticed how you’re pulling away from everyone. You told me you’re doing as much just now.’

Stiles shrugged, not seeing the point of arguing with a werewolf. But being around Derek’s solid form and no nonsense attitude certainly appealed more than hiding in his room, waiting to be dragged out to places he didn’t want to go by his friends. 

Derek opened his mouth like there was more he was going to say, but then he shut it and went back to staring out across Beacon Hills. The sky was starting to turn light again, and Stiles realised that if he didn’t want his dad sending out a search party for him, he would have to get back soon. 

‘I, uh, I need to go get the Jeep before someone reports it or Dad thinks I’ve gone missing.’ 

Derek nodded and pushing himself to his feet. ‘I’ll drive you back.’

‘Uh, thanks,’ Stiles said, scrambling to his feet and nearly falling when he realised his left foot had gone slightly numb. Hoping to the edge of the blanket so Derek could pick it up and fold it, Stiles shook out his foot, gingerly putting it on the ground, just in case it gave way under him again. 

‘Anytime,’ Derek assured him, throwing the blanket in the back of the car. 

Stiles started to pull the Henley over his head, but stilled when he felt Derek tug it back down. ‘It’s still cold. You should keep it till you get home.’ 

Stiles let it drop back over him and nodded. In the car he waited for Derek to join him, gnawing on his lip. ‘So you’ll text me then. Some time?’ 

Derek nodded. ‘Yeah.’

For the first time in months Stiles didn’t feel like he was in danger of vibrating out of his skin. He slumped down in the seat, his body feeling like one big mess of noodle. ‘Cool,’ he murmured to himself, as Derek turned the car around to drive them back into town.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘Text him,’ Cora ordered Derek over their Skype session. She’d called him while he’d been tidying the kitchen after breakfast and he was still in his sleep pants and tank, standing at the breakfast counter, in front of the laptop. ‘Now. While I’m watching. So I know you’ve done it.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to Arineat for the beta and catching my typos.
> 
> The title comes from the Bon Jovi song of the same name.
> 
> If you think I'm missing any tags, let me know.

‘Text him,’ Cora ordered Derek over their Skype session. She’d called him while he’d been tidying the kitchen after breakfast and he was still in his sleep pants and tank, standing at the breakfast counter, in front of the laptop. ‘Now. While I’m watching. So I know you’ve done it.’ 

‘Cora,’ Derek grumbled, frowning down at the text that had remained unsent on his phone for the last few days, thumb hovering over the ‘send’ button. ‘Stop telling me what to do.’ 

With an exasperated sigh, Cora fixed him with a steely glare that reminded him of their mom when she was 100% done with someone being unnecessarily dramatic. ‘Well, if I don’t do it, no-one will. How long has it been since you talked to anyone?’ 

Derek raised a sardonic eyebrow.

‘It doesn’t count if _I called you_ , dumbass.’ 

Derek shrugged and glared at her. Since dropping Stiles off at The Jungle to collect the Jeep, the only people he’d spoken to until Cora had called him, had been the woman behind the counter at the deli, the cashier at the local store and barista at the coffee shop he sometimes went to. Usually the lack of contact didn’t bother him; it was easier not to be betrayed if you didn’t talk to anyone. But for the last few days it had felt isolating instead of safe and he’d found himself telling Cora everything when she’d asked how he was.

Cora snorted. ‘Don’t look at me like that. Not only has it been days since you’ve really spoken to anyone, namely Mac, you just told me it’s been three days since you told Stiles you’d text him. If you don’t do it soon, you’ll never do it and then you’ll feel like shit.’ 

He couldn’t really argue with her on that. 

The most recent session he’d had with Mac - the one he’d been driving back from when he’d found Stiles - had been about him reestablishing meaningful relationships outside of that with Cora, and starting to combat his myriad of different nightmares. It had all been fresh in his mind as he’d been passing The Jungle on his way back from San Francisco, windows down, when he’d recognised the sour scent of Stiles’ fear. It had been weak, but enough for Derek to pull in and have a look around, concern growing when he’d spotted the Jeep.

Her face softened. ‘Derek, come on. You’re even more worried about him now that you’ve spoken to him than you were before.’ 

Derek rubbed a hand over his face and nodded. ‘I know.’ 

‘All that stuff he told you about Malia totally did a number on you. Don’t even pretend to me it didn’t.’

Derek grunted. While he understood the guilt Stiles was feeling about everything that had happened up to and including Allison, it was everything about his first time with Malia that Derek couldn’t get out of his head. That had hit a little too close to home. 

Stiles’ first time wasn’t awful in the same way Derek’s had been, but it was equally as horrifying. It wasn’t Stiles’ fault, and it wasn’t Malia’s either. It was what it was: a shitty situation that couldn’t be blamed on anyone. Except the staff at Eichen House, who had lost track of both Stiles and Malia long enough for them to have sex and fall asleep after. There were really no excuses for that kind of negligence. Not unless they’d meant for it to happen, but neither Derek nor Cora could work out a reason for wanting that. 

Cora’s expression turned unsure. ‘Why, uh, why do you think no-one is helping him? Especially with Malia.’

Like he’d told Cora, everyone else’s complete non-reaction to not only the way Stiles was falling apart, but how messed up everything between Stiles and Malia was, was confusing the hell out of him. The only explanation he could think of was that Stiles hadn’t told anyone how it had gone down and that they didn’t know they should be appalled. Though he didn’t think it was exactly difficult to see it was a bad relationship for both of them; Stiles had obviously been terrified of her and Malia had clearly been confused by the intricacies of human interactions and relationships and had been trying to mesh the few things she did understand with what she knew of coyotes. Basically the whole thing had been fucked up from the beginning and someone should have noticed and dome something about it. 

‘I don’t know,’ he admitted. 

Maybe they’d been counting on Malia to control Stiles if he ever changed again. That didn’t sound like the kind of thing the Sheriff would do to Stiles (after talking extensively to Mac, Derek could personally attest to it being the kind of thing Scott would do to a person), but then, everyone had changed over the last few years, so it was difficult to say with any certainty.

The corners of Cora’s mouth turned down unhappily. ‘Derek, I’m worried about him.’ 

‘Yeah.’ 

‘You need to find out why no-one is helping him and, you know, help him.’ 

‘I know. I will.’ 

‘So, send the damn text.’ 

Derek sent the damn text and dropped the phone back on the kitchen counter. ‘Happy?’ 

‘I will be when you are and you won’t be until you know Stiles is.’ 

Which was hard to argue with when he’d been thinking about their conversation more or less constantly since dropping Stiles off next to the Jeep. 

‘Do you think he’ll answer?’ he asked, hating the way his voice cracked at the end. 

Cora nodded. ‘I do.’ She gave him a sad smile. ‘I think, by the sounds of it, he’s desperate for someone to reach out to him.’ 

Derek leaned forward and rested his arms on the counter, bowing his head and pressing his forehead to the cool surface. What he wanted was to give Stiles a place free of judgement, where he could feel safe. God knew he could have done with a place like that after Kate and the fire. 

Or after Laura had died. 

Or after he’d been forced to kill Peter. 

Or after Peter had used Lydia to incapacitate Derek and resurrect himself. 

Or after Scott had forced him to bite Gerard.

Or after Jennifer had raped him (and how long it had taken Mac to get him to admit to himself that he’d been raped. Even now it was a truth he found difficult to accept).

Or after he'd seen his mom. 

Or after Kate had come back, kidnapped him and tortured him some more.

Or after the magic Kate had used had ripped him in two, leaving him vulnerable before he'd died and evolved. 

He wanted to give Stiles the kind of security no-one had been able to give him. Anything to stop Stiles ever becoming as angry, defensive or guilt-ridden as he had been. 

‘If it makes you feel any better, I think he’s lucky it was you,’ Cora said. 

‘You do?’ 

‘Is there anyone better after all you’ve been through?’ 

‘Nice to know all that was good for something,’ Derek muttered, lifting his head and rolling his eyes at Cora. 

Cora and he had talked a lot since she’d gone back to Columbia and they’d both shared how shitty their lives had been after the fire. It had helped, knowing that Cora knew everything, and yet still loved him and wanted to know him. 

Cora snorted and then flat out laughed. ‘Right? Okay, big brother, I gotta go. Text me if you need to and let me know how it goes with Stiles, alright?’ 

‘I will,’ he promised. 

‘And I mean you call me later tonight and tell me, not in five days time or anything stupid like that. You got it?’

‘I got it,’ Derek told her. ‘I’ll call you later, promise.’ 

When Cora sighed off, Derek shut his laptop and, after checking there was no response from Stiles went and started organising the new books he’d bought recently and tried not to think about the scratchiness of Stiles’ voice or how rundown he’d looked. 

And hour later, there still was no response and Derek felt like his skin was sitting all wrong. He was just about to grab his keys and go out to the Preserve to shift and run, when his phone beeped. 

Derek grabbed for it. 

**Stiles:** When

Derek sagged against the counter, the relief making his body feel so much lighter. Standing, he texted Cora to let her know that Stiles had answered before texting Stiles. 

**Derek:** Now  
**Derek:** If that works for you 

There was no response, but twenty minutes later, Derek heard the Jeep approaching. 

Instead of waiting by the door and pulling it open as soon as he heard Stiles’ heartbeat on the other side, he waited for Stiles to knock. After everything that had happened it wasn’t difficult to see that control was important to Stiles. Derek could wait for Stiles to be ready. 

It was a good choice because it took Stiles a further ten minutes to knock, and most of them consisted of him standing in front of the door, walking back to the stairs, standing there and then walking back to Derek’s door again. 

The knock, when it came, was hesitant and nothing like Stiles from before. 

Wiping his hands on the legs of his sweatpants, he opened the door. ‘Thanks for coming.’ 

‘You knew I was there,’ Stiles said, hunching in on himself as he shouldered his bag and slipped in past Derek. 

He stood awkwardly to the side of the door, arms wrapped around his torso. To see Stiles so still was disconcerting and made Derek think back to the eeriness of the nogitsune. It wasn’t the same, though. While he wasn’t full of energy and flailing about, he was jittery and full of nerves. Eyes that had been cheeky and mischievous, before being cruel and steady, now skittered away, unable to meet anyone’s gaze.

Again it made Derek wonder why everyone was leaving Stiles alone when he was clearly falling apart. No matter how much of an act Stiles tried to put on, it was surely impossible to miss how pale and drawn he looked. 

‘I knew,’ he agreed. ‘But you should only be here if you want to be. I wasn’t going to make you feel as though you had to be here.’ 

‘So, uh, what do we do now?’ Stiles asked, biting his lip when he finished talking. The knuckles on the hand wrapped around the strap of his backpack were white and he was trying to take up less space than he usually did. 

Derek had been thinking about that for the last few days. He knew what Mac wanted him to do; talk, get some general conversation going. But if that currently felt like too much for Derek, it was definitely too much for Stiles. 

It felt like he was just one wrong word away from Stiles leaving and never coming back and Derek didn’t want to see how that turned out for either of them. 

So he was going to try something different and hope that, unlike so many of his plans, it didn’t fail horribly. 

‘Whatever you want to do,’ Derek said. ‘I was going to read.’ His eyes strayed to Stiles’ backpack. It looked heavy. ‘If you have homework, you can do that. Or if there’s reading you wanted to do. Just, uh, do it on the sofa?’

Stiles glanced up at him, the curiosity in his eyes a pale shadow of what it had used to be. But it was there, and that was something. 

‘I’m going to sit in the armchair,’ he explained. ‘I thought you could have the sofa.’ 

Stiles’ shoulders came down from where they’d been up and around his ears and after staring at the sofa for a second, walked hesitantly over to it. As he passed, Derek noticed that Stiles was shivering minutely, like maybe he was cold, even though the weather outside was warm. 

‘Do you want a drink?’ he asked. Stiles looked confused at the question and Derek took a step closer. ‘I’m going to make myself some tea. Would you like some?’

Still looking vaguely surprised, Stiles nodded. 

On the way into the kitchen Derek detoured to turn on the heat, unable to stop himself from glancing at the place where Boyd had been killed as he went. Every time he tried to cover that spot the guilt was overwhelming, so Derek left it uncovered. 

By the time he got back to the sofa with the two mugs of tea, Stiles was curled up in the corner of the sofa, as small as he could make himself. It had to be uncomfortable, considering the fact that he was as tall as Derek. He was holding himself stiffly, and watching Derek warily. 

Derek didn’t comment, just placed one of the mug in easy reach of Stiles, pleased when Stiles reached for it immediately. 

The other he took over with him to the armchair. Putting the mug on the table, he dropped into the comfy chair, and picked up his book, opening it to when a strip of passport photos were marking his place. They were of him and Cora and had been taken at the airport before she’d got on the plane back to Columbia. They had taken two sets so Cora had one, too. 

After staring at the series of photos for a long moment and ignoring the ache of how much he missed his baby sister, even though he had spoken to her a few hours earlier, he slipped them into the back pages and turned his attention to his book. 

It was strange having someone in his space who he trusted not to hurt him or use him, but he could feel his muscles unwinding, could feel himself settle into his body. After coming back from Mexico Derek had made it absolutely clear that the loft was out of bounds to everyone, wanting to know that his space was his and there wouldn’t be any unexpected surprises waiting for him. Despite that, he didn’t have to watch Stiles or worry that he was going to stab him in the back - literally or metaphorically. 

For the first time in a long time, he became completely engrossed in his book and by the time he looked up - to pick up the next one in the series which was waiting for him on the table - Stiles had stopped shivering and had uncurled from where he’d practically hidden himself. Instead, he was sitting cross-legged on one of the cushions of the sofa, with his homework spread out across the cushion in front of him and the onto the table, chewing thoughtfully on the pen between his lips. Glancing at the clock, Derek realised it had been a couple of hours since Stiles had arrived, but he didn’t feel inclined to tell Stiles to leave (especially not when this was the most Stiles-like he’d seen Stiles in months) or to do anything other than keep reading. 

An hour or so later, Derek realised he was hungry. Balancing the book on the armrest, his eyes strayed once again to the place where Boyd had tried to absolve him of being the instrument used to kill him. 

In need of a distraction, he glanced over at Stiles and saw he’d moved on from homework and was now flicking between a couple of old looking tomes. He didn’t even notice when Derek stood, stretched and walked through to the kitchen.

There he pulled out everything he needed to make his sandwich and he was halfway through when he heard Stiles’ stomach rumble. Not bothering to ask, Derek set about making him a sandwich too. 

Setting the plate down on the table next to Stiles, he added the bag of chips and a chocolate brownie, pleased with himself when he saw Stiles pause in his work and glance over at the food. 

Stiles, though, didn’t touch the food. Not once Derek had eaten his. Or taken his plate back through to the kitchen. He did drink the glass of lemonade Derek brought back through with him, though. 

For the next ten minutes Stiles’ stomach kept on growling and Stiles kept ignoring it, making Derek frown. 

Getting an idea, Derek stood, and without saying anything, disappeared up the stairs. He had a few things he needed to do up there, but had kept putting off. Now seemed like an excellent time to do them. Stiles was still there, his heartbeat mostly steady and his scent wafting through the loft, so Derek didn’t feel like he was alone up there, or anything. 

He spent the next twenty minutes pottering around, making a conscious effort to make enough noise so Stiles would always know where he was at any given time.

When he walked back down, his eyes zeroed in on the now empty plate. For half a second he worried that Stiles had thrown it away while he’d been upstairs, but then he saw a few crumbs on Stiles’ t-shirt and knew that he’d been right. For whatever reason, Stiles didn’t want to eat in front of him. Briefly, he wondered if it was just him, but decided that in that moment it didn’t really matter. 

Without a word he picked up the plate and empty glass and took them into the kitchen, not missing the way Stiles’ lips twitched into an almost smile. 

When he returned, Stiles had closed the books, and was curled up once more. Though this time he was hugging one of the cushions and looked comfier than he had earlier. Derek could sense the exhaustion coming off him in waves, but despite his drooping eyes, Derek didn’t expect Stiles to let himself fall asleep, even though he had chosen to come here. 

Content to let Stiles doze for a while, he settled back in the armchair and picked up his book to continue reading. 

He was jolted back into awareness when Stiles stood and stretched, his t-shirt riding up, letting Derek see just how much weight he’d lost over the last several months. It made him want to feed and cuddle Stiles until he looked healthy again.

‘Curfew in fifteen,’ Stiles said, voice scratchy with disuse.

Slightly taken aback by how late it had become, Derek closed his book and nodded. 

Gathering his stuff together and shoving it into his backpack, Stiles kept his face hidden from Derek as he said, ‘Uh, how was… did this help?’ 

‘It did,’ Derek said quietly. 

‘I’m… I’m glad,’ Stiles said, standing and facing Derek. 

‘How about you?’ Derek asked. This was pointless if Stiles didn’t get anything out of it too. If he was going to help Stiles not end up damaged as he’d been, it had to benefit him too. 

‘Will you text me again?’ Stiles asked instead. Which Derek was going to take that as a hesitant yes. 

‘If that’s alright with you.’

Stiles nodded. ‘I, uh, I should be going. Don’t want dad asking any questions.’ He bit his lip. ‘I don’t think he’d understand.’ 

Derek was still trying to puzzle out why things had gone so wrong between Stiles and his dad once Stiles had copped to the supernatural goings-on in Beacon Hills, so he didn’t risk saying anything. He had offered himself as a safe haven for Stiles; a place where he could fall apart with no judgement and he was determined to keep to that and not push Stiles to answer questions he wasn’t ready for. Hopefully one day Stiles would decide to talk about it and Derek could find out why he was so certain he was a disappointment to the sheriff. 

‘I’ll see you when -’

‘Just wait there for a moment,’ Derek said, rushing to stand. He hurried into the kitchen, found what he was looking for and hurried back out to Stiles. ‘Here.’ He held out a key. 

It was rash and could easily fuck everything up, but it felt right to offer and Derek was trying to trust his gut more. Whenever he didn’t, terrible things tended to happen.

Looking curious, Stiles took it and turned it over in his hand before frowning at Derek, the question obvious. 

‘You don’t have to take it,’ Derek said. ‘You can just wait for me to text you. But if you wanted to come here whenever you need to, you should keep that.’ 

‘What if you’re not here?’ Stiles asked and Derek was surprised. Relieved, but surprised that Stiles seemed open to the idea. 

‘Then you still come here.’ He gestured to the sofa and the kitchen. ‘Take what you need.’ 

‘I...’ Stiles shook his head, apparently unable to find the words he wanted, which seemed so wrong for Stiles. Derek was used to him bending words to do his bidding. In the end he curled his hand tightly around the key and nodded jerkily before hurrying out the door, head bowed. Derek liked to think that he looked slightly less hunched over than when he’d arrived, but maybe he just wanted to feel like he’d made a difference, no matter how small. 

When Derek closed the door behind Stiles and silence descended once again, he sighed and ran a hand over his face. It was even worse now Stiles was gone. 

As he listened to the Jeep starting up, Derek dropped into the space Stiles had just vacated. He stared at the floor where he’d been forced to impale Boyd by the twins until he the crushing guilt became too much and he leaned back against the sofa and threw an arm over his eyes.

Since he couldn’t very well call back Stiles, Cora was probably the next best person to have around. Even if it was over Skype and the combination of seeing her, but not being able to sense her was distracting. Taking a few deep, calming breaths, Derek stood and went over to the laptop. Calling Cora wouldn’t be so bad; at least this way she’d definitely find out how things had gone with Stiles and he couldn’t get into trouble for not telling her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on Tumblr at ionaonie.tumblr.com

**Author's Note:**

> I'm on Tumblr at ionaonie.tumblr.com


End file.
